je beyonce nous beyonçons
tu beyonces vous beyoncez
il/elle/on beyonce ils/elles beyoncent
participe passé - beyoncé
packing a suitcase and variable body image and stuff
realizing that i hate packing because i want to cover every eventuality, not just for different occasions, but for different moods re: my body. feeling shitty and wearing slouchy clothes, feeling baller and wearing slightly less slouchy clothes, feeling insecure and needing to look pretty, feeling great and wanting to look pretty. everything in between, loving, hating. i’m so good at keeping a variety of stuff available in my closet at school that i forget these fluctuations are even there most of the time—i just handle them and they don’t stress me out. but when i pack for a trip, i realize i can’t take it all and i have to be able to deal with everything using fewer options and i just get scared that i’m not gonna have the option i need one day, that what i liked the day i packed absolutely won’t work at all one morning and i’ll totally freak out inside and feel like i don’t belong in my own skin. how do i plan for the proportion of i-love-dresses days to i-need-pants days? how do i plan for the balance of tight and loose items? what if i don’t feel safe in the clothes i have available to me? i’ve been spoiled by the availability of a quick item here and there for $5-$10 at target whenever the mood strikes that i need something to feel correct. i’ve definitely spent more money on random quick clothing items to make myself feel at home in myself than i’d have liked to. that could have gone somewhere else—
this is the shit that keeps me up with a tightness in my chest after i fold three loads of laundry, putting my hands on every single thing and its meaning. i wish i could spring fully formed into myself every morning, because then it wouldn’t matter what i wore. but some days i have to build more of my self than other days, and so i’m afraid to leave any of the toolkit behind.
for some reason, i’m absurdly angry that i bought my glee sweatshirt in a medium and not a small last spring. why? why.